Day Three in the Big Mother House

There is a leak in the Big Mother House and a plumber is required immediately. Giant condoms have been draped around the kitchen, in anticipation of a plumber being found and unmentionable things happening to the flooring - to gain access to the water currently swooshing around under it.

Dave the 1st plumber came to the diary room and declared it would cost £2300 just to remove the flooring and find the leak. Big Mother’s eyes nearly popped out of her head and she almost choked on her own spit. The other housemates quickly held a vote and evicted him.

Ian the 2nd plumber came to the diary room, laid on the floor and declared he couldn’t hear the leaking water hurtling through the pipes. Big Mother joined him on the floor and had a toddler tantrum.

Ray the 3rd plumber failed to show up to the diary room, or indeed the Big Mother House, having promised he would be there by 1pm. Big Mother went into the diary room herself, with a large G&T, and locked the door

Mike the 4th plumber came to the diary room and said fixing the leak would be easy, but he wouldn’t take the flooring up to actually find it. Big Mother’s eyes started to twitch. Mike clocked this and quickly used the diary room phone to contact his mate Sam the Joiner. Sam the Joiner has promised to visit the diary room this afternoon.

Sam’s mate Mike has tipped him the wink that it’s an insurance job. However, Big Mother is on the verge of a total and utter breakdown - complete with spinning head Exorcist style - so Sam the Joiner had better play fair, price the job correctly and be able to do it tomorrow!!

Big Mother has set the housemates the task of cleaning their teeth with bottled water (Big Mother is using wine for hers), joining the gym so they can use their showers (Big Mother nips to ‘Shirley Next Door’ for hers), and throwing a bucket of water - from the pre-filled bath - down the toilet when they use it for a number 2 (Big Mother nips to ‘Mabel Across the Road’ to avoid accidentally dousing herself in sewage).

The housemates have risen to this task admirably, but are now on the verge of evicting both Big Mother and themselves. They are also wondering if Jeremy Beadle is lurking somewhere, possibly in the downstairs coat cupboard…

Pray for them all…

(Written by Marie Thom)